How Beauty Comparisons Make it Difficult for Women to be Great

“Ja she’s pretty, but Yho her sister! Her sister’s prettier than her.” It seems like the kind of simple, harmless thing that one guy would blurt out during a group discussion about some hot girl. He would say it with such passion, then forget about it just as quickly as it came as they moved on to the next topic. For them it is harmless, and as soon as those words leave their lips, they are gone from their minds as well. In general, another fundamental difference in the wiring of men and women.

As a woman, even as one who just happened to be around when this conversation was taking place, it stayed with me. I remember getting instantly annoyed that this guy said that and saw nothing wrong it. I have nothing against people admiring other people’s beauty, I even encourage it. However, I expect at this level, for people to understand that ‘You are beautiful’ is a compliment and, ‘You are beautiful, more beautiful than person X’ is not. The latter creates a competition between the two people whom, you acknowledge are both beautiful, yet one was come out as the winner. The latter is stupid.

 Not only that, it also plays so deeply into the twisted inner dimensions of girls’ self esteem issues. Now all of a sudden, you are not just working to be pretty, you’re working to be prettier than person X too. This automatically makes person X your arch enemy, your nemesis if you will. You find yourself not being allowed to befriend certain people because well, you’re enemies now aren’t you? This is the reason that to some great extent, on average, pretty girls are not really friends with other pretty girls. They are friendly, and they keep all relations in a friendly manner (taking lots of ‘we are pretty’ pictures etc), yet that idea that ultimately it’s a competition never leaves. And so we get robbed of the chance to really get to know people, people who may have had the greatest impact on our lives.

We do live in a generation where looks are everything, more so now than ever before. So, even without knowing it, we all fall victim to these carefully planted thought cycles that dictate that success only comes to those who are attractive. They even dictate what attractive is, and actually while we’re on the topic, they dictate what success is too. Why would you want to conform to the regulations of this mental and social prison that leaves nobody happy?!! Beauty is only skin deep, yet we cannot pretend that the effects it has on our minds are as shallow.

I don’t want to be a slave to beauty, I am far too great for such. There is too much I am still going to achieve that requires my focus, a focus I cannot split with constantly rating other girls to see whether they fall above or below the beauty benchmark that is me. I am a beautiful young woman, that is not going to change because another beautiful woman walked into room. My beauty doesn’t take away from anyone else’s and in the same way, nobody else’s can take away from mine. Do not ever come and tell me that I am more beautiful than so and so, because I will not be impressed.

When you get to a place where outward beauty is secondary, where the inward journey to discover all the things that are truly worth discovering is most important. When you get to a place where you are getting really comfortable with who you are, even in the realization that that is a lifetime journey of discovery on its own. When you get to a point where you realize just how fickle it is to judge others on how they look, when peoples personalities start to make them either more or less attractive to you. That is a good place to be. I’ll wait for you here, and I will try my best to not get sucked back into that world where we are all just trying to be hot because that’s all that matters. When you arrive, we can leave all the other petty stuff behind and choose to rather focus on being great.

We are women. We matter. We are valuable beyond anything we can ever purchase.  There is so much more benefit in working to beautify and strengthen our minds and our spirits. We need to know this, especially now as we shape ourselves into the kind of women we wish to be. There is so much more to being beautiful than what you look like, and I think that we should be holistically more beautiful than our outward appearances. May we still be considered beautiful when all that is being judged are the contents of our characters.

Love,

Noni

Well Done Lupita!

Every so often a woman comes along who is so talented, so inspiring, so gorgeous as Lupita Nyong’o. Did I mention so African?! This woman’s rise to fame has been nothing short of legendary and the world has taken note. I am so very proud of her in the way that one would be proud of an older sister. Crazy huh? Wishing you nothing but the best Lupita, keep rising! Love, Noni

The Natural Hair Issue

I was looking at my images recently, and I just got stuck on this one. I couldn’t take my eyes off my hair! It’s so thick and so lovely. Now I know it sounds strange, giving myself compliments, but perhaps we should all do this more.

I have been natural now for two and a half years, and I love my hair. However, I am aware that not all the people who share my hair texture feel the same way. I am also aware that the typical model of beauty that has been set for girls like me, does not look like girls like me. This is a problem because it leaves me and all the girls who look like me wondering if the world has just decided that we are not beautiful enough.

I have read and meditated on this topic so much that I think I can argue it from just about every angle. Ultimately, as black people, we are the victims. If we had also gone through centuries of being celebrated as the ideal standard of beauty then we would unlikely be in this mess. Instead, centuries of slavery and a history laced with subhuman treatment of various kinds will take its toll on a people. It seems though that one century of actual slavery results in five centuries of mental slavery. This is the real fight that we as a people are facing, and quite frankly we are losing. When something as trivial as hair, should be such a huge issue this far down the line of our freedom.

Our history has not been pretty. We were robbed. I get that. However, I dislike how this allows us to comfortably shift blame and then not have to really deal with the problem which still exists. It seems that in today’s society it is actually more important to figure out who to blame for a problem than it is to try and fix it. The issue with this is that the problem remains, and in the case of our negative self-image, it remains with us. Even if you blame them, you still lose.

I want to see a sense of pride in ourselves wash over us as a people. A pride that is deep and thorough, because we are the kings and queens of old. Now that we are free, we are suddenly responsible for that freedom and people run scared. Responsibility means dealing, it means unpacking all of those issues that you may have spent your entire life trying to bury. Responsibility means asking questions like, ‘Do I like my natural hair?’ ‘If I took out my weave right now, would I still feel beautiful?’ ‘Am I dependant on external factors for my sense of identity?’ ‘Am I really proud of being black?’ and even ‘Given the chance, would I choose a different ethnicity?’

I could go on, but I already know the arguments that were being formed against me as I was asking the questions. The main one goes along the lines of, ‘ No, you ignorant naturalista, I am actually very proud of my hair. I may always keep it relaxed, but that’s because it’s just what I’m used to. When my hair is relaxed, it’s easier to comb. I wear weaves because I enjoy the versatility of the style. I also wear braids…it’s just hair.’

This argument is actually quite solid, fair enough. Many, in fact most, of us did grow up having our hair religiously relaxed every 4-6weeks or whenever your parents could afford it. So why is it big deal if people choose to just continue along this way as they grow up? Or if they take the next logical step and get a weave. Duh. Really, what is the big deal? This is that exciting part of the article whereby I expose my jugular by revealing my personal opinion on the topic. Sigh. So what exactly do I think is wrong with weaves?

Well, nothing. There is absolutely nothing wrong with a woman getting a weave. Provided she looks after it and it looks good, it really can be a great way to change up your look and that is not a bad thing. No, I don’t have a problem with actual weave-wearing, that would be focusing on the symptoms. I have a problem with women who chose to wear weaves or any other hairstyle because they feel that their own hair is somewhat inferior. Women who believe that the standard of beauty is set by cascading locks down your back. The mindset is a problem. If I have known you for four years, and have never seen your real hair in four years, you may want to think through a couple of things. How you see yourself is such an important thing that nobody should be allowed to go through life without truly analyzing how they value themselves.

At the end of the day, when it’s all said and done, my goal is to spread love and light. My dream is to see a proud Africa, standing tall. All of the suffering was for nothing if we cannot truthfully be proud of all that we are. I am extremely proud of being African, especially after seeing some of the rest of the world. I am proud of everything that makes me distinctly African, my hair is just one of those things. As a natural haired young woman, I encourage everyone to try going natural, it’s a journey all on its own and it’s really worth your time. For a woman to look in the mirror and honestly say, “I love what I see, I was created perfect and I don’t need to change anything” is a powerful thing. It’s also not an easy thing. Nonetheless, that’s what I want to see happen for every black woman out there. For every woman out there.

This will never be achieved by me whipping out my naturalista righteousness card to somehow guilt trip all my weave loving sisters into divorcing their Brazilian hair. There is nothing that makes me better than any other woman. The hair is not the problem, one day I will get a weave because I felt like it and that should not be an issue. What needs to change is the way we think. No matter what I have on my head, I am perfect. I am not perfect because of what I have on my head. Because I am perfect and I understand that I have always been, I will no longer waste time trying to chase this perfection in an outward sense. I will now redirect my energy inwards, towards not only discovering who and what I am, but also just how great I am.

Wishing you a great journey of self discovery.

Love,

Noni