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It's difficult to declare that I'm going through a spiritual awakening- I imagine one can only say that with certainty after they come out the other side and can clearly recognize the transformation.
That said, I think a spiritual awakening is what I'm currently undergoing. I know something's different and I feel that things have shifted within me, perhaps forever. This post is my way of making sense of it. Hopefully, it helps someone else too.
What My Spiritual Awakening Looks Like
Here is a list of the 11 things that have changed in my life during this process of spiritual awakening:
1. I've Become Super Clean
I feel connected to and get affected by my physical surroundings in a way I didn't before. When they are dirty I feel gross and when they are messy, my brain is foggy. As a result, I find myself willingly and joyfully cleaning or tidying up all the time. I have to be in a clean environment.
I understand this as my concept of self has expanded to include my environment. I believe that as I continue to grow spiritually, this concept will continue to expand until it finally encompasses all of creation (mind explosion signs).
I've always heard spiritual 'Gurus' talk about a deep sense of connectedness to all things and even 'seeing themselves in everyone'...I could be reaching, but I think this shift and expansion in the self-concept is how this happens.
2. I've Stopped Drinking
Okay, not completely- not yet, but I feel rather strongly that it's coming. Alcohol has generally been a part of my life to varying degrees since I discovered it in university. I have long since graduated past the desire to drink as much as I can- I hate (and have always hated) feeling drunk and later, hungover. I drink for taste and enjoyment.
Having been pregnant and currently breastfeeding has also affected how much I (can) drink at a time and I suppose it has been on a steady decline over time. What this looks like is I typically don't drink at all during the week and will enjoy tasty adult beverages with Dear Husband at the weekend- I love wine and I enjoy a great beer.
So What's Changed?
I no longer have the desire to drink. I've observed myself at a few social gatherings that would have been a great time to indulge with loved ones in the past and found I had no desire to do so. I drank water, and when I did have a beverage, I was acutely aware of how it affected me.
It's like I could feel it moving through my body, making my head pound and my body sluggish. I'm aware of and dislike how even a single glass of wine makes me feel the next morning. I'm also aware of how it affects other people and in general, witnessing people overindulge is less okay and definitely less charming than it used to be.
Now, we're all adults and I have no desire to control the lived experiences of other people- I'm just making a note of my shift in perspective because I find it so interesting.
I don't like alcohol anymore and it feels like it's getting ready to make an effortless exit from my life.
3. I've Started Semi-Fasting
I first read up on intermittent fasting years ago (remember when it was all the rage) and I thought, 'hmm, that's interesting' and moved on with my life. To understand why this didn't become a thing I wanted to try, you'll have to know just how much I love food. My eating style could be described as 'constant grazing', I ate little bits all day long.
What's Changed?
I now find myself wanting to not eat as much and, more specifically, to stretch the length of time when I'm not eating. I am getting increasingly aware of how food affects my body and fasting for part of the day seems to just make sense. This is quite insane for me. It's also not difficult which is perhaps the most insane part.
I believe my new eating habits and my elimination of alcohol are my new desire for cleanliness stretching out to every sphere of my life. In this case, it's cleanliness of mind and body. For now, it's been more important for me to change how I eat, but I won't be surprised in the least if I begin to feel called to change what I eat as my general awareness heightens.
Everything in its time. I will not rush the process and I will continue to keep you informed.
4. I'm Having Vivid Dreams
This is perhaps the most exciting and scary symptom, for lack of a better word, of this process. I've always loved dreams. I come from a culture that understands them to be communications from our ancestors warning of danger, talking of things to come, or just giving us a visit. I also understand them to be a revelation of our subconscious mind. Either way, I've always enjoyed dreaming and interrogating what each dream could mean.
Throughout this process, I've found that my dreams have become more vivid and obscure. I'm not dreaming daily, but I enjoy and respect these 'communications' so much that I wish I was. There is no rhyme and reason to how and when I dream, it seems to happen in bursts where I'll have three dreams in a day followed by a dry spell for weeks or months.
5. I'm Having Scary/ Weird Dreams
Dreams aren't all made equal and while some are enlightening, mind-blowing, or just sweet, some are quite scary. Without getting into the specifics of my dreams, I can share that the ones that made a big impression and stayed with me can be grouped into a few categories by way of motifs.
Motifs In My Dreams
Vulnerability- I've dreamt of myself naked; of my teeth falling out.
Danger- I've dreamt of myself running for dear life; being attacked by animals.
Familial- I've dreamt of a lot of family members, living and not. I've dreamt of myself in various family homes.
Animalistic- I've seen quite a lot of wild animals in my dreams; lions, leopards, snakes, fish, and dolphins.
All that said, even when my dreams scare me and make me afraid to fall asleep, I feel sad when they stop.
6. My Sleeping Habits Have Changed
I now wake up at 5 am, effortlessly. Now, I have wanted to be a part of the 5 am club forever, but I could never make it in on account of the whole 5 am thing. I am not a morning person.
Before my baby, my natural wake-up was around 10 am or 11 am, and I would sleep around 2 am. Since having a child, this has regulated itself to match her cycle. I would wake up at around 8 am or 9 am and sleep at around midnight- I lived for the few hours of 'me time' after putting her down at around 10 pm. But not anymore.
What's Changed?
As of late, I sleep at midnight and wake up at 5 am. I am not tired. In fact, I am ultra-productive. I use all this regained time to consume spiritual (and spiritual adjacent) content, clean my house, connect with friends, cook healthy dinners, play with my daughter, meditate, take long baths, and of course, write. It's amazing.
7. I've Become A Smudger
I'm now hyper-aware of the 'energy' of things and feel the need to maintain a clean space. I've already discussed that I've been doing this physically, but I do it energetically as well. I've always been empathic (being able to feel other's people energy/ emotions) and whatever this process is has heightened this quality. So, when I sense bad energy in my space, I clear it and I feel so much happier and lighter after.
8. I'm Reassessing My Relationships
I'm an introvert (so groups of people drain my energy) and an empath (I am highly sensitive to and can easily take on other people's energy) and these qualities have also been heightened during this process. As a result, I'm weary of how I give of myself energetically. I'm hyper-aware of how people make me feel and have found myself unable to maintain relationships with people who pull energy from me without replenishing it.
I check in with myself to see how I feel after talking to certain people and if the answer is 'drained' then we're done- at least for now. Last month (July), I found myself ghosting people and even my tendency to people-please couldn't override my need to protect my energy. My spirit said no.
9. I Feel The Energy Of The Collective
Connected to and expanding on my previous point, last month I found myself unable to do anything. I hardly worked out. I didn't publish a single blog post and the thought of writing even 100 words in a day felt like too much. I just felt very low.
My thinking is I absorbed a lot of the negative energy of the month- in the U.S. women's rights were being taken away; the news is always depressing; a few close friends were in crisis, and the world is generally on fire. I do my best (and quite well) to not over ingest the media negativity, but regardless, I just felt down. So my belief is that my ability to connect to the collective energy has been heightened. For better or worse.
10. I Consume A Great Deal Of 'Spiritual Awakening' Content
In July, when I couldn't do anything, I did have the energy and appetite for listening and learning. I let my interest guide me and I consumed a copious amount of spiritual awakening content and it's apparently all that I want to read or hear about.
This has led me to explore adjacent and parallel spheres of content, like African spirituality, and the more I learn the more I want to know. I read (read: inhaled in a few days) an entire novel-length thesis about someone's Sangoma initiation process. I'm asking my friends about their dreams. My YouTube history is quite interesting.
11. I Meditate And Pray
I have been feeling the desire to both meditate and pray more. It's how I want to start and end my day. I think of meditation as a tool for the connection of mind, body, and spirit. As a quieting of the mind and a diminishing of the 'Ego' so that I may feel the 'God' spirit within me. I think of praying as talking to God. As such, it makes sense that I would crave to do both of these more during this time.
I haven't quite managed to do it daily, but this is more an issue of time management and personal planning, not a lack of desire. So, I feel strongly that soon this will be a part of my daily routine.
Conclusion
I think I'm going through a spiritual awakening and these are all the ways it's currently playing out for me. I'm asking a lot of questions and searching and listening for the answers.
I can't say I know anything yet, there is a whole world of both information and knowledge out there- but I know more than when I first began, and something in me has been awakened and is searching. For now, that's enough.
What's going on in your spiritual life? Do I sound slightly insane? What even is life?
Here's to questioning.
Nonjabulo
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