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I think I’m going through a spiritual awakening and, as a result, there have been some major shifts in my life. From food to sleeping habits to how I clean my house. Today, I wanted to focus on one of the most impactful areas of change- close relationships.
This post will discuss how I now set and keep boundaries within my personal relationships as an empath or energetically sensitive person.
What Is An Empath?
As I understand it, an empath is someone who is highly sensitive to energy, particularly that of other people. So, as an empath, if someone is upset- you absorb their energy and then you're upset, even if the thing they're upset about has nothing to do with you. Your emotions and energy simply pick up on and often match those of the people around you. This can be quite taxing.
This ability isn't limited to people's emotions, it extends to the energy of things and places. Ever walk into a room and feel depressed or inexplicably creeped out? Chances are you're picking up on the energetic remnants of things that happened there in the past, things that were probably depressing and creepy.
Why Is It Important To Protect Your Energy?
Simply- because empaths are highly energetically sensitive, their energy can be drained easily. When drained, they are left feeling low, tired, and unable to interact and contribute in a way they may have otherwise wanted to.
For an empath, one negative encounter in the morning can derail an entire day.
If you are an empath, there are coping strategies that can help you to better protect yourself and your energy, because you still need (and probably want) to fully engage with life. However, this post is more focused on setting boundaries for the relationships you already have in place.
What Is An Energy Vampire?
These are people who get their energy from others but in a purely negative way.
An energy vampire dumps their negative energy on you in exchange for all your positive energy. They may do this knowingly or unknowingly.
This exchange will always leave you utterly depleted. I often find myself doing things to reenergize myself because just going home to be alone (which would normally work for my introverted self) isn't quite enough. I’ll soak in a bath, or sit out on the deck and enjoy the sun. It will take me a while to be able to do anything that requires energy because I’m so depleted.
Trouble is, it can be difficult to know that someone is an energy vampire until after your interaction and by then it’s too late. This is worsened by the fact that energy vampires are masters at finding people who are open and empathetic as these opposing energies attract. You give and they take. It’s quite a perfect system except it doesn’t serve the empath. And this is why boundaries are important.
What Are Boundaries And Why Are They Important?
Boundaries are lines we draw around ourselves for our protection. Their purpose is to mark extremities that can’t be crossed, physically and/ or emotionally, so that everyone is clear on what they are and are not allowed to do to us.
For an empath, these center around protecting your energy, which is best gauged by your emotions.
What Energetic Boundaries Can Look Like:
If you’re talking to someone and you start to feel physically tired, you can recognize that they’re draining you and end the conversation.
If you have a family member you love but who is clearly an energy vampire, you can choose to limit the frequency and length of the interactions you have with them.
If you’re not in a good place emotionally (say you’re angry or depressed), you won’t engage in any emotionally charged conversations. Or you’ll avoid people you know like to engage in such conversations.
Why Boundaries Sometimes Slide In Close Relationships
Our boundaries can slide because we love our friends and those closest to us. When we love people, we tend to make excuses for them. Added to this, loving them means we’re already emotionally charged within the relationship. So, if they tell us about a situation that they’re emotionally invested in, it’s very easy for us to do the same.
However, as an empath, it’s important to keep this in check. Love doesn’t have to mean taking on other people’s baggage. With some clearly defined boundaries and some practice, you can learn to give support and show love without embarking on an endless energy-draining emotional rollercoaster.
Friendship Boundaries To Always Keep Firm
I'm Not Your Therapist
A big part of friendship is sharing the highs and lows of life. However, being someone's friend does not equate to you being their therapist.
Firstly, most of us are not qualified and even if you are, this expectation can quickly become burdensome. So, remind yourself that while you can be a loving and listening ear, you are not responsible for unpacking all of your friend's issues.
When you start to feel this expectation creep in and you're not wanting to take it on, clearly (gently but firmly) tell your friend that you love them but you're not equipped to solve this for them in the way that a therapist might. Then offer to help them look for one.
Your Problems Are Not My Problems
This is not one to be said to your friends, but rather one to say to yourself as you interact with your friends. Empaths can easily take on other people's emotions and carry the burden of their problems.
This comes from caring but it doesn't help anyone. For a time, your friend might feel better having shared their issue, and you might feel good about being there for a friend. However, if you get dragged down to their emotional level, you will both wallow.
This will put you at the vibration of the problem and not the solution, so even your advice is unlikely to be helpful. Worse still, you will be left stuck in that emotional state, so even though you don't have that problem, energetically you do. You've allowed your friend to drag you down with them.
To avoid this, you need to intentionally put distance between yourself and other people's problems.
Listen lovingly, but don't adopt your friends' issues as your own.
When you feel yourself start to get depressed as they share the terrible state of their marriage/ job, silently remind yourself 'this is not my life. I can support her without feeling like her'.
This is even helpful for tv, which is more intrusive and impactful than some of us realize. When you see something terrible on the news, or in a movie (real or not), remind yourself that you don't have to engage emotionally with it.
A useful phrase is 'this is just information’. Now, I'm not saying don't have empathy- which should go without saying as this post is dedicated to empaths- I'm just saying have empathy in a way that is self-protective first.
Your Growth Is Your Job
As the saying goes, 'you can take the horse to water but you can't force it to drink'. You can give your friend all the best advice in the world, but they have to do the work of implementing it.
You can't grow for people and you can't solve their problems for them. Even if you're successful, it will cripple them and set unhealthy expectations.
If you ever start to feel you're expected to fix the problem, gently remind them and yourself that 'I can only advise as best I can, but you have to do what's best for you'. And if they seem to be in the same situation repeatedly, which is a clear sign they are not learning and growing from their mistakes and experiences, this is also not your problem.
You may point out the pattern and even give advice, but they and they alone are responsible for the action they take.
You Don't Have Unlimited Access To My Time And/ Or Resources
Friendship is about closeness and sharing, but it doesn't mean that you'll always be there to help, because you can't. You have a whole life with your own issues, obligations, interests and not to mention other relationships that are important to you.
All of these other components of your life need your time and attention, and you can't effectively attend to them if your time is constantly being taken up by one particular person and their problems. It isn't fair and it isn't friendship.
When you find yourself wondering if your friend will be okay if you take a weekend away- you've allowed them to become too big a part of your everyday life and decision-making process. Your time should always feel like your own. No one is entitled to it.
Set a clear boundary and communicate it. You may also just implement the boundary and let them figure it out or, if it's a good friend that you feel you owe an explanation, you can find a gentle but firm way to do so. This can sound like:
'Hey, I've been struggling to attend to my other relationships and interests because of the time I dedicate to you. I care about you and I want to help, but I'd like to pull back a bit so I can do it in a way that is healthy for me. Right now, that looks like only seeing you X times a month, and for Y long. I hope you understand.' They may not, but that isn't your problem.
My Life Is Just As Important As Yours
In any friendship, you need to talk about and prioritize your friend and their life just as much as you and your life. Obviously, this changes if one of you is going through something that requires a great deal of support- but it shouldn’t be the norm.
Healthy relationships are built on reciprocity. This means you pour into me as I pour into you. If the giving and taking are one-sided, that is a sign of abuse.
Empaths tend to give energetically, so this could look like you (the empath) always being the one to receive the other person's negativity and then inheriting the responsibility of transmuting that into something hopeful and positive for them, so that they leave you feeling better, but you're left feeling drained.
This is not healthy and it is not your job. If this is the dominant dynamic within your relationship, it's not fair to you and you need to clearly and firmly address it. Or, if you're certain the other person won't change, it might be time to end the relationship or greatly limit the access this person has to you.
Conclusion
Navigating adult friendships can be tricky, particularly as someone who is energetically sensitive. The bottom line is that if you’re an empath, you need to protect your energy and your relationships should be a safe space for you where your openness and sensitivity aren’t taken advantage of.
I hope the article helps you to recognize when you’re in an unhealthy relationship and the boundaries I’ve outlined help you to re-establish that balance.
Here’s to looking after ourselves and building healthy relationships.
Talk soon,
Nonjabulo
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