How And When To End Adult Friendships | Joyful And Conscious Separation

Breakups are hard. I think this is especially true for friendships, particularly those we've had for years or even decades.

I recently had an 11-year friendship end. What I learned in the process is that it doesn't have to be painful. This breakup was honest, compassionate, and even joyful. This was a big deal for me because my previous breakups were not this way. Far from it.

In this post, I'll share what we did correctly and what I've done wrong in the past.

Ghosting: What I Used To Do and Why You Shouldn't

I used to be terrified of letting people down. I come from a cultural hardwiring of people-pleasing, so 'terrified' is the correct word. In relationships, this meant I never wanted to say something that the other person could receive negatively.

Things like:

• 'I didn't like what you said/ did/ how you spoke to me'

• 'I think I've outgrown this relationship'

• 'No'

I had a fear that if I said anything 'not nice' to people then I would be at risk of being perceived as a 'not nice' person and worse, I might risk the loss of the relationship. The problem with this irrational fear is that it kept me stuck in situations and relationships that no longer served me.

I had infinite justifications for it, and I was so good at rationalizing why I should hold on to these connections that I started to not see what I was doing. It's only now, in light of this recent rupture that I have been forced to take stock and see with new eyes all the ways this has played out in my relationships.

My Friendship Breakup: A Personal Story

I won't share details because they belong only to us, but I'd like to discuss the general theme of my behavior that contributed to the actions that led to the breakup.

My friend did something I didn't like and I didn't confront her about it.

Years ago, when we still lived together as university students. This was a big thing (for me), a certain transgression that I felt shouldn't occur between friends. When she did it, I felt instantly betrayed but I also felt like I had no right to that feeling.

So I swallowed it and forced myself to accept it. I convinced myself that not only was I okay with it, I even liked it.

Why?

Because I was terrified of having a confrontation. Because I did not want to risk awkwardness or loss of friendship with someone I lived with and spent every day with. Because I wanted her to think I was cool. Because I didn't want her to think I was not nice. Because I didn't value my own feelings as much as I valued hers. Because I lacked the confidence to set boundaries and keep them.

I don't blame my friend for believing me when I said her actions were okay.

I take full responsibility for my failure to communicate what I really felt. I do believe we had the discussion around how this was 'okay' and I remember telling her that it was. That it wasn't a big deal.

To be fair, as I remember it, this discussion was already set up as 'this isn't a big deal, right?...you're cool about this?' And I wanted so desperately to be cool (and cool about it) so I said yes, and I sold it really well. So well, as I said, that at some point I even believed it myself. So, I don't (and I cannot) blame her for believing me too.

I do blame my friend for thinking her actions were okay.

The truth is that I think my friend should have known better. I know I just said I don't blame her for believing me when I said it was okay, and that's true. I don't think she's should have known I was lying (even to myself). That's unfair and I truly don't think any part of friendship (or any relationship) should include mindreading other people.

However, I think she should have felt and known what she was doing was wrong all by herself. And then she should have never done it. It's a question of her personal ethics without anything to do with me.

When she did this thing, it was a clear indication that our value system was different.

That she could do that (regardless of what I said about it) meant that she believed it was acceptable behavior. I did not think that was acceptable behavior. I have never and will never do that to a friend. It's outside my scope of 'okay'. It violates my personal ethics.

This is not to say my value system is right and hers is wrong. It's just to say that ours didn't match. This is a clear reason to end a close, personal relationship. I know that now. I should have ended our friendship then.

Not doing so meant I moved away from my own beliefs. I had to in order to move closer to hers, which was the only way I could have let that be 'okay'. Thus the foundation of our friendship was shaky because it was built on a set of principles that pulled me away from myself.

Instead, I shoved down my feelings and they disappeared into my shadow. Out of sight, out of mind. Only to be triggered 11 years later and set in motion the very friendship ending I had avoided.

Do I regret how long it took?

No. My inability to end our friendship eleven years ago meant that my friend and I got to enjoy an additional decade of friendship. In that decade we both grew, supported each other through many things, and were of real value to each other's lives. I'm so grateful for that.

However, I can also acknowledge that the foundation of our relationship was never quite right. So, it was always going to fail. Sooner or later. The day finally came.

How it ended.

She said something that I perceived as incredibly self-centered and entitled. I reacted honestly but rather bluntly to it. She said I was harsh and asked me not to speak to her like that. When I sat with my reaction I also thought it was harsh and disproportionate, but the feelings behind it were so real and deep.

I realized that I was triggered by this action from her, and seeing her act (how I perceived as) so selfishly now recreated how she had acted so selfishly all those years ago. My body and my spirit remembered the hurt I had suppressed and it all resurfaced and asked to finally be released. This time, I let it.

We spoke about it honestly and lovingly. I felt shame for being upset about something so old, but so happy to be honoring the transgressed part of myself. She was shocked by it- I imagine she'd given these events no thought in over a decade- but she held me so graciously in that moment.

She apologized. She said she had not meant to hurt me and she had no idea she had. She apologized for other things she felt she needed to.

She shared things I'd done that she wasn't necessarily holding, but that had bothered or hurt her nonetheless. I apologized for them and for all the countless things I did and didn't do that probably required an apology but that I was too self-absorbed to even register. We laughed and reminisced. We dwelt on the truth that we were young and selfish. We forgave each other.

It was obvious to us both that the friendship was over, that it had run its course. For me, this realization felt joyous. It felt like, in her words, a graduation. I felt happier and lighter. I physically felt lighter like this had been a weight coiled inside me for all these years and I had finally released it.

I had finally learned something profound about relationships and now that I knew better, I was ready to do better.

Aftermath- How I've Integrated These Lessons Into My Life:

1. I ended another friendship that I had known for a while didn't serve me.

Similarly, this person's personal ethics didn't match mine and I had always silenced myself or tried harder than I should have had to to be accommodating of her views to avoid confrontation or loss of friendship. Even though I was quite clear that I did not care for the friendship. I had even started to ghost this person, hoping silence would lead to our 'friendship' fizzling out.

I instead confronted her. I sent her a voice note that explained that I wanted the friendship to end. I explained that I was evaluating all the relationships in my life, and I felt that (for me), ours had run its course. I thanked her for all kindness she extended to me in the past and wished her the best for the future.

She didn't get it. I think in her case I was not direct enough. I'm still a work in progress. I realize that it might take a few tries to settle into this new version of myself. I'm overriding a lifetime's worth of reflexes so I'm giving myself some grace. Not an excuse, but grace.

I will still expect myself to actively end relationships that I no longer want to be a part of and to be clear and direct about the reasons why. I will hold myself accountable. But I will also hold myself with compassion because confrontation is still a weak muscle within me that I am strengthening.

2. I had a discussion with my current friends about what friendship now means to me.

In each of my surviving friendships, I wanted to make sure that we were on the same page. That we were both in it for the right reasons and that we were both getting our needs met. This meant discussing what those needs are and asking if the other person was willing and able to meet them.

It also allowed for a space for my friend and me to talk about any transgressions that may have been swept under the rug. Had I hurt them in any way, big or small? Had they hurt me? If there were things to apologize for, we did. And then we set our eyes on the future.

And now, from my experience, here's what you can learn about:

How and When to End Adult Friendships:

When To End Adult Friendships

It's time for a friendship to end when something has been done within the friendship that violates the rules of that friendship. If a line has been crossed that leaves you feeling transgressed; if an action is done within the friendship that feels wrong to you- all of these can be indicators that it's time to take action.

This action can be a conversation. People are complex and so are the situations they find themselves in. Sometimes a sincere apology and a subsequent change in behavior are enough to fix the problem. People make mistakes and your friends should be some of the first recipients of your grace.

If you think the transgression is something you can get over: bring it up, discuss it honestly, allow your friend the opportunity to apologize and make amends, forgive them, and move on.

If however, you don't believe their action(s) was unintentional or you feel their apology is insincere, or their action violated something so greatly within you that you simply cannot maintain the friendship after what happened (even after forgiving them)- it's time to end it.

How To End Adult Friendships

(this assumes you are the transgressed party, but it works either way)

1. Acknowledge the transgression.

People see things differently. And when you're talking about something from the past, people remember things differently. Own your version of events and speak specifically from the way you experienced it.

Don't say, 'I'm really hurt by what you did,' instead say, 'I'm really hurt that you told our colleagues things that I told you in confidence as a friend.'

Note: The way you remember things may not be right. You may learn that you had things all wrong and you are in fact, overreacting. Or, your friend may learn how hurtful their action was having not thought about or seen it that way before.

Regardless, truthfully sharing how you each experienced things is the only way to understand both perspectives. Then you will both have to react accordingly.

2. Explain why their action bothered you.

Again, specificity is important. Confrontations get out of control when the scope seems vague or unlimited. Even if they have done something like this before or even many things, this isn't the time to bring that up. Pinpoint why you are hurt or upset.

Don't say, 'What you did hurt me,' rather say, 'What you did hurt me because, as a friend, I expected honesty and loyalty from you. I would never share your secrets with anyone and I feel betrayed that you did it to me.'

Note: It might be helpful to think of this in terms of the apology you would want to receive from this person for what they did. An apology doesn't matter unless it's specific.

Would you rather hear them say 'I'm sorry I hurt you,' or 'I'm sorry I shared your private, personal stories with the office. Your told me that in confidence and I betrayed your trust and our friendship.'

Ensuring they give you a proper apology isn't your job, it's theirs. I just think this step often lays the groundwork for the level of ownership you expect. I don't think it's bad to set that tone.

3. Ask them why they did it.

Listen and try to understand. The key thing here is intention. Intention, and even a lack of one, can change how you perceive a situation. Here you get to learn if hurting you was intentional or not. Maybe they didn't think you would be hurt. Maybe they did and didn't care. Maybe they didn't consider you at all.

Assuming it's done with honesty, this conversation may reveal how much or how little your friend values you and your friendship. It may be tough to hear. Remember, hard truths are better than pretty lies.

4. Forgive them and ask for forgiveness.

There is no release without forgiveness. It's how you free yourself and the other person. If you don't forgive and choose to rather hold on to the hurt, it will build resentment that will keep coming up and asking to be released anyway. Holding on only prolongs the process. So, let yourself feel your feelings, and then let them go.

Depending on what was done, forgiveness can take time and you may find that you're not ready to let it go. You may get an apology that doesn't feel sincere or adequate. You may not get an apology at all.

In all these cases, it's important to remember that while it benefits you both, forgiveness isn't for the other person. It's for you. For your peace. Hopefully, you can forgive right away, but if not, at least commit yourself to continue to try until you can.

Now offer them the same courtesy.

Ask if there's anything they need to get off their chest that they need you to witness. Perhaps they have their own grievances that they've never aired out. This allows them the same opportunity to get the same healing you're seeking. Confession is powerful and important. Assure them of the safety of the space, and then wait and listen.

Note: The things brought up may be so old that one of you doesn't even remember the details, or finds it ridiculous for the other to still be hurt. If so, the likelihood is that they (or you) probably felt silly/ stupid/ not allowed to be hurt by the action when it happened- which is why they (or you) never brought it up then- and why they (or you) may feel even more silly/ stupid/ not allowed to be doing it all this time later.

Both of you need to release your judgment and replace it with grace and compassion. Consider that it must take a great level of bravery and humility to be owning up now to the ways you or they were hurt back then. Let them and yourself feel the feelings.

Acknowledge the hurt. Apologize and ask for forgiveness. Receive their apology and forgive. The point here is to walk away free of any energetic ties to this person, to walk away knowing you left the space between you clean.

5. Tell them why you're ending the friendship.

By this point, you should know enough to articulate this clearly. The focus here isn't on how they hurt you- you should have done this already. Rather, you're explaining why (even though you've forgiven them) their actions have created an eternal shift within your relationship that you can't reconcile with.

You're saying, 'What happened caused me to lose trust in you. Trust is important to me in a friendship and I can't continue to be friends without it. I appreciate your apology and I do forgive you, but I feel it's best if we end the friendship.'

6. Thank them for their friendship.

For better or worse, this is a person who was dear enough to call a friend for a time, perhaps a long one. Honor that. Thank them for the role they played in your life and all the positive things that came with their friendship. Specificity is as meaningful for apologies as gratitude, so be specific.

You can say, 'Thank you for your friendship. Thank you for being so kind to me when I was new, your kindness helped me fit in and made my transition easier. When my relationship ended I really leaned on you and you showed up for me. I'm so grateful and I'll never forget that.'

Depending on how and why this friendship is ending, you may want to keep the door open for future connection and support. Some endings are pure and good, and there is no need or desire to sever all connection.

If that is the case, you can add 'If you ever need me, call me.' However, only say this if you mean it. Do not offer it out of a sense of guilt or a tendency to cradle the other person's feelings. This is not your job and you don't owe it to the other person.

Conclusion

Friendship breakups are hard, but they don't have to be ugly. Try to remember that often, endings are the necessary first step to ushering in something better. This is true of friendships as well. I hope sharing my experience and the lessons I gleaned from it was helpful to you.

I hope your friendships are deep, loving, and true.

Talk soon,

Nonjabulo