How To Have Better Adult Friendships

I'm just writing down some advice I need. Maybe it'll help you too.

As discussed in this post, I recently had a decade-long friendship end. It was a good ending, but it put a spotlight on the idea of friendship for me. It's made me reflect deeply on what friendship means to me at this point in my life. It's made me ask how I can be a better friend and how I can have better friendships moving forward. This post is a record of my thoughts.

How To Have Better Adult Friendships

1. Define what friendship means to you at this point in your life.

When I was six, friendship meant you play with me when I want to play. When I was sixteen, it meant you had to share all the juicy details of your dates with your boyfriend because your love life was our love life. When I was eighteen it meant you let me borrow me your cute outfits when I need them and by the time I was twenty-five, it meant please bring wine.

It meant more than that of course, and with maturation came a longer list of expectations for my friendships. An expectation of kindness, honesty, loyalty, of keeping each other's secrets, and of encouragement.

However, what didn't come was an explicit communication of these expectations. I think in part because I assumed my friends should just know what it meant to be a friend to me and what I needed. And that I knew what they needed. Haha.

2. Don't Assume You Know What Your Friends Want.

In a healthy relationship, nobody has to resort to mind-reading to know what the other person wants and expects.

They don't because the other person tells them. And if the other person hasn't told them, they just have to ask to learn. And vice versa. It seems simple and straightforward to the point of being obvious, but I'd venture to guess that few of us operate on these principles.

Most of the relationships I know operate on a 'silent understanding' that is often more silent than understanding. The trouble with this setup is that it works perfectly until it suddenly doesn't. Then, when conflict arises, it is deepened by a feeling of betrayal that comes from each person thinking the other should have known not to do what they did.

This 'should have known' phenomenon happens when we assume that someone knows what we expect- without our communicating it.

The trouble with assumptions is that they often come from our past. So if my previous best friend wanted me to call and discuss all her breakups in detail, I assume my new best friend does too. Then, when I call her to get ALL the deets, I'm offended when she says she'd like some space to deal with it privately first.

Assumptions rob people of their individuality. They make us hold new relationships to old expectations and patterns. I can't think of anything more unfair.

So let's just agree that assumptions are bad and the loving and mature thing to do in relationships is to communicate our needs and expectations clearly, as well as to ask for those we are in relationship with.

3. Inform your friends of your friendship needs and ask them for theirs.

Your needs:

This is your diva moment. I joke. But this is where you put everything we've discussed to practice by explicitly telling your would-be friend just what that role would entail.

This might sound arrogant and as though you're making someone prove their worthiness to be your friend. In actuality, this is a proposal. As such, it's a very humbling exercise because on the other side of that proposal is potential rejection.

You're saying, 'I would love to be friends with you. However, I've redefined what friendship means to me and I'm more intentional about it now. For me, this looks like biweekly calls and monthly meetings, being honest- especially when it's difficult, holding each other accountable to the goals we set and the things we say and do, and being deeply and tangibly involved in each other's lives....etc. So, if you want to be my friend, that's what you'll be signing up for. Would you still like to be friends?'

You'll need your big girl panties to own this level of vulnerability. But only beautiful things lie on the other side. You'll either get a true friend or you'll avoid getting an untrue friend.

Their needs:

Friendship is a two-way street. This means that it's not just what you need that matters, for the friendship to be healthy it has to serve both parties. So, after sharing with them what you need and expect of them as a friend, ask them to share the same. Then, truly consider if you're able to provide what they're asking for.

If for them, friendship means talking every day and you prefer to talk to your friends once a month- then this is not a great match. You cannot meet that need for them and you should let them know.

All that's necessary for a relationship to not work is for one person to be unsatisfied. So, you might meet all of someone's needs, but they don't meet yours. Or vice versa. This is where you have to be honest with yourself about whether or not that works for you. It can be easy to be idealistic and urge you to hold out for the perfect match because wouldn't that be ideal?

But, in real relationships, there tends to be a necessary amount of compromise. Compromise is not a bad thing if it's done thoughtfully. To do this, you need to consider what is non-negotiable for you in a friend and what isn't. Then, if your potential friend is willing to meet all your non-negotiables, but only some of your negotiables (and vice versa), this can still be a great friendship.

Just make sure you stay true to yourself. Don't compromise on things you consider non-negotiable. You'll find the people who won't ask you to.

When Your Needs Don't Match

Sometimes, no matter how hard you try, it becomes obvious that there is a mismatch between you and a potential friend. You cannot meet their needs and/ or they cannot meet yours. If this happens, don't panic. Knowing this is better than not knowing it because now you can put them in the correct place in your life and avoid the disappointment caused by my unmet needs and expectations.

It's Not 'Friend or Nothing'

Just because they can't be a friend doesn't (have to) mean the end of the relationship. If you like someone and enjoy having them in your life, but they can't be a friend, it's possible (and advisable) to resource them in a different role. Otherwise, you may find yourself throwing away perfectly good relationships which is not the goal.

Friendship is the highest of platonic ties and it requires the most of (and gives the most to) us, which is why not everyone can be your friend. But there are other categories like; a buddy, a colleague, or a going-out-mate.

Putting people in the right category will bring clarity and peace to your life. You'll never ask your going-out mate to help you grieve the loss of a loved one. You won't expect that of them. You will expect them to be game for the next concert/ party/ event you want to go to, and they will probably never let you down. Similarly, you won't expect your colleague to come to your dad's 50th birthday party. You'll expect them to tell you the scoop on the new manager.

Oftentimes, relationships fail because people put unrealistic and often uncommunicated expectations on each other. Categorizing your relationships is a good way to stop yourself from doing this. You can also categorize yourself in relation to other people, so you can better understand what's expected of you in certain relationships. You don't need to be everything to everybody.

With Friends, Choose Quality Over Quantity

Friendship asks a lot of us, and people who are really good friends tend to have few of them.

A friend is an advocate, a support system, an advisor, an additional wardrobe, a babysitter, a safe space, a listening ear, a teller of tough truths, an eternal plus-one, and so much more- and you are all those same things for them.

You couldn't possibly be a great friend to many people. It takes effort and intentionality to be a great friend. In the correct unions, we put forth this effort freely, easily, and happily. In the wrong unions, this effort feels like a joyless duty. It depletes us.

The exact number of friends that you need and can maintain will differ from person to person, but don't think it's a bad thing, if, at the end of this exercise, you find that you only have a handful of people you can call 'friend'. great friends. In friends, as in most things, quality far outweighs quantity in importance.

Conclusion

Good adult friendships don't happen by themselves. They are intentionally built by two (or more) people who choose each other and are committed to nurturing and growing the relationship. They rely on clear communication and loving effort to actively meet each other's needs. Adult friendships require adults.

I hope this post has helped you to examine the state of your friendships to decide which ones are deserving of that title, and how you can show up better in them- both for yourself and your friends.

Wishing you well,

Nonjabulo